Are you and your partner trapped by the money taboo?
Are you and your partner having trouble talking about money? It’s not just you — a lot of people are taught from a young age not to speak openly and honestly about money, even with their loved ones. But here’s the thing: not talking about it can cause serious problems in your relationship. In fact, research shows that arguing about money is the second leading cause of divorce, behind infidelity.1 And when the wife is the breadwinner, the divorce rate goes up by 50%2 — even though women are 40% less likely than men to report high financial wellness.3
The amount of money in a relationship typically isn’t the problem — it’s often how a couple talks about money. And with the right tools, you may be able to overcome the money taboo at every stage of your relationship. Here are some tips to get started.
Start talking about money while dating
Of course, you want to put your best foot forward when you meet someone new and exciting, and talking about money might not be the best icebreaker. It’s fine to keep it light at first. The goal in the beginning is to just normalize talking about money so it’s easier to approach again.
Consider asking if your date is saving up for anything big, or if they use a budget in their daily lives. As you become more comfortable, you can talk about how your family handled money issues when you were growing up.
Keep communication open as you move into commitment
Once you begin a committed relationship, you and your partner enter a new level of financial intimacy. Every couple is different, so find what works best for you both. What matters is that you talk about it. Setting some ground rules can help, like establishing a time limit for the discussion so it doesn’t get too heated.
The debate of separate versus joint accounts
Some couples merge their financial accounts, while others are happy to keep them separate. According to the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who combine their bank accounts and pool their money are happier than couples who don’t. They feel it keeps the lines of communication open and indicates that they trust their partners.4 On the other hand, some prefer the independence of their own account and say it keeps the romance alive.5
Regardless of your choice, I can help you make long-term plans that help provide confidence. During your money conversations, consider gettinginto the habit of writing down the key takeaways and we can review those together.
Share your balance sheet (including debts)
One of the biggest hurdles to future financial plans is personal debt. Even though debt from medical expenses, credit cards, and student loans is common, people can still feel ashamed to talk about it.6 One survey found that approximately 23% of people in committed relationships have kept or are keeping secret debt from their partner.7
It’s often much healthier for your relationship if you and your partner disclose all your assets and liabilities. It may not sound as romantic as a candlelit dinner but consider sharing your credit reports. If your partner is reluctant, share yours first as a sign of trust.
Keep talking while you save as a team
Financial conversations are important at every stage of life, and it takes practice to get comfortable talking about money. Even if you successfully paid off debt early in your relationship, there are still other financial goals to work towards, like down payments on a first home, family building, and retirement.
It’s important to discuss how you’ll achieve your savings goals together. Take retirement as an example. There are several things you’ll need to discuss, like how do you want to spend your retirement, how much do you want to spend on kids and grandkids, and how will you address long-term care needs? Reach out if you need help. I can help you and your partner consider a savings and retirement path.
Pass on good money habits
Parents teach their children a lot. But when it comes to money, parents sometimes neglect to talk about it, and the topic becomes shrouded in secrecy. Kids learn by observing their parents, and as they grow into adulthood, they inherit their family’s unspoken financial habits. If you and your partner have kids, eliminate the “no-talk rule” by encouraging open conversations about money within your family, so that everyone can understand your mutual financial goals. That way, you can avoid passing on the money taboo to a new generation.
For better or worse, the money talk requires patience and attention at every step. From your very first date, to passing on strong values to your children, to planning for retirement, it all starts with breaking the money taboo and having an honest conversation.
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1 https://www.ramseysolutions.com/relationships/how-to-put-an-end-to-money-arguments
3 Guardian’s Workplace Benefits Study, 2023
4 https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fpspi0000388
5 Should Couples Have A Separate or Joint Bank Account? | Bankrate
6 https://www.moneymanagement.org/blog/how-to-overcome-feelings-of-shame-about-personal-debt
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